So my son had been on the elementary school football team since the season began. He has played every year since they began offering it to his age group. He seemed to enjoy it every year so far. So here we are year 3 of his childhood football career and we have two games and two practices left of the season. Mind you practice is every Tuesday and Thursday 6p-8p. And games are every Saturday or Sunday (depending) beginning at 3p with requirements to arrive at 2pm. Remember he is 8 years old. He is my oldest of three children. His sibling being, his younger brother of 7 years of age, and his younger sister of 5 years of age. He’s always been active in sports and loves every minute of it. Or so I thought. So I want to tell you what happened last night over supper while discussing what time we had to leave today for his second to last football game of the season. (Side note: the coaches have made a group text message for the football players’ parents to communicate with each other regarding practices, games, needing rides, scheduling conflicts, and communicating directly with the coaches. It was due to this that I decided to, in the group message *because there are so many unsaved numbers included and I didn’t know which was the head coaches phone number* ask for the head coach to message me personally and privately as to I had something I needed to discuss with him that did not require the unwanted input or nosiness of the other parents of the team.) The following is the message I sent to my sons coach in a private message.
MOMMA BEAR:
“After having a long discussion over supper last night with Noah, he has expressed that he likes football well enough and enjoys playing. However, he has decided that it is not a sport he wants to continue to play for “competition” per say. He explained that it’s great fun to play with friends just for fun. He’s just not that into it. I asked him what he was trying to convey in his explanation, and he very bluntly stated that he’s done. He doesn’t want to practice or play anymore this season and probably won’t in the future seasons. He made it very clear that he believes it’s not the sport for him and much rather prefers baseball and basketball. I tried to convince him to finish this season because there’s only two games and two practices left. However he was very adamant about his decision and although I always promote staying committed to his decisions and following through with them, I could tell he was miserable and I couldn’t bring myself to force him to go do something that his heart just wasn’t in. So this is me speaking on my sons behalf, informing you that Noah will not be coming to the next two practices or games. He bluntly stated he’s “ready to turn in his gear…” his exact words. So whenever and wherever that is possible please let me know and I’ll make sure they get back to you asap. Also, I would like you to be aware, this was a conversation Noah brought up on his own accord with me. I hope you can respect his decision to quit, even so late in the season, and I hope you will respect my decision to allow his withdrawal from the sport this season. He really did enjoy practices.. games not so much.. and said he really liked his teammates and coaches. I hope you can understand, and should he change his mind in future seasons/years, I hope that it will not hinder a coach’s decision to allow him to play on a team. He’s a very independently thinking, strong-willed, and self aware boy. And I will respect his decision as to he knows himself better than I do. And I hope you will too. ”
“I’m sorry that that was a mouthful, but I felt like I owed it to my son to give the most accurate explanation as possible to express his thoughts, opinions, and feelings. I wanted him to know I support him and his decisions regarding those aspects and I firmly believe that others should too. Also I feel like he deserved a little bit of dignity. So I would appreciate it if you could make sure that if you tell the team he quit, and you feel like it’s necessary to give the team an explanation, make sure they know that he made this decision out of his own best interest. As I stated previously, my son is not a quitter and always follows through with commitments he makes, but I couldn’t stand by and force him to be miserable just to make his team or his coaches happy. ”
“Noah did want me to tell you guys to have a good game and to ‘whoop some butt’ today.”
“Good luck at today’s game coach and thanks for giving Noah the opportunity to be a part of the team.”
That was the whole message, in its entirety, that the coach received from me regarding my son. What wasn’t included was my actual thoughts and opinions regarding this situation. And to add a little history, my ex husband is a drug addict and very well known in this small town due to this is where he grew up all of his life. Around here, everyone knows everyone. I am, what they call, a transplant. I moved here 11 years ago. I met my (now) ex husband (for reasons that are irrelevant to this story) and began building my life here with him and our children for the next ten years. I have been divorced for 1. Unfortunately, as previously stated, in a small town such as this where everyone knows everyone, that also means that everyone knows everyone’s business. Very hard to keep a secret. And rumors spread fast like wildfire. Especially if they are about a transplant. And regardless, I’ve never been one to believe rumors or even care what people say about me. I’m a big girl. I’ll be ok. I know what’s fact and what’s fiction. But that’s when it comes to me. So when my ex husband and I split, it became known that I was very low income, struggling as a single mother with three elementary school aged children who received absolutely no support (financial, mental, physical, emotional, psychological) from anyone. Yes. That includes my children’s father. So with that information being public knowledge now, because obviously people hear and see things, I began receiving pity from the “townspeople”.. (aka the homegrowns). I hate pity. But I understood, and appreciated concern and help when people were offering it to me…. genuinely. I knew I needed it. But if they talk about me in pity.. a woman they never took the time to get to know in all the time I’ve lived here (I have no family here *mom and siblings in Indianapolis and dad in tennessee* nor did I have one single genuine friend… I was essentially alone), I can only imagine what other things were being said about me that I didn’t know about that someone out of spite may have assumed or made up or someone who thought they knew enough about me said because they drew their own conclusions about me just from seeing me or making small talk in passing. They look at me and see whatever they hear about me without trying to get to know me. When most of their assumptions and rumors couldn’t be farther from the truth. In actuality, I am a very independent, determined, (defeating the odds) college educated woman with a very good head on her shoulders and years of wisdom from a traumatizing youth which caused her to grow up much more quickly than other women her age (and especially women from here) were privileged to. Anyway, I promise that has a point. Just a little history so maybe you can understand my view points. As stated a little earlier, this next section is solely my own personal thoughts, beliefs, and opinions regarding my eldest child’s decision.
I just don’t want the coach to tell anyone else parent or child… Noah quit because he couldn’t handle it. No. I made it very clear that while he enjoyed it for fun, he doesn’t enjoy playing for competition and that he realized it was not his favorite thing to do and took proactive steps to change his course independently to make himself happier. It’s a small town. Everyone knows everyone. And here… to everyone… he’s the tweakers son.. the single mom who needs financial help from strangers just so he play sports son. I could care less about my pride, and my dignity. Say what you want. Call me whatever because I respected my sons decision to quit. To quit something he had no drive or passion for. Something he dreaded doing until convinced it was at least somewhat enjoyable. I will stand behind my child and trust his decisions regarding his own happiness. He’s 8. And he’s learning who he is and he’s learning to think independently. And that’s something I can stand behind. If they don’t like my methods of parenting.. I don’t fucking care. But make sure you do not belittle my son or strip him of his dignity because he chose to do something that was going impact his happiness. He’s a child, and doesn’t need bullied because he’s one of the few these days whose parents allow some independent thinking instead of constantly being told what, when, how, and why they need to do something. I’m trying to raise a self thinking, self aware man. Not tell him who he is going to be as a man.
And, you know what, I would have pushed a little bit harder in trying to convince him to finish the season, hell it’s almost over, but I kind of pushed him into football this year. I say kind of. Because I tried to remind him how much he liked it the previous years and how much fun he appeared to be having then. But He stated during sign ups he didn’t want to play this year. So I stopped pushing. I accepted it. And I made that very clear to the coaches when they first requested him to sign up for this year. Apparently, they couldn’t comprehend the fact that I said my child told me he doesn’t want to play this year and I wasn’t going to make him. Obviously we couldn’t really pay for it either. $80 sign ups and $20 gear rental. But all four coaches kept pursuing him in person, and through me, and practically begged him to be on the team. Even guilt tripped him by saying the team needed him or they won’t have enough players without him. Even guilt tripped me. They told me I could make five $20 payments or they could find a sponsor. I made it clear I couldn’t even make payments at this time, to which they came back days later stating they had a sponsor for my son to play. They persevered to the point we were both getting fed up and annoyed, regardless of how many times I told them that it wasn’t an issue of money. Even if I had the money, he still didn’t want to play. Well, guess what, he finally caved and said sure. He wants to please everyone, and I don’t think he agreed to play because he was getting annoyed with the constant badgering and persistence, I think he agreed to play because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone. So when he came to me with his decision, I asked him multiple times if he was sure because once I told the coach there was no going back. He assured me he was. He told me, he just wants to enjoy what’s left of the summer weather and spend it playing with his friends and being a kids because he hasn’t got to do that all school year. So I finally said to myself, good for you finally doing something to make you happy. And I took it from there.
I then received this response from the coach in our private message between just the two of us.
COACH:
“I completely understand. Noah is a fantastic athlete and an even better person. Whatever he decides for whatever reason is fine with me. I wish he liked the game because he is a great athlete and would be good for the Trimble Program. But, I’ve seen the kid play baseball and basketball…..he will be great at both. Thanks for letting me know. I will let the coaches and team know his decision.”
MOMMA BEAR:
“Thank you for understanding and I will be sure to tell him how highly you think of him and his athletic abilities. I truly apologize that I’m breaking this to you on the day of a game, but he only just brought it up last night. We greatly appreciate your compliments and wish the team the best of luck this afternoon.”
And I wanted to make sure that my message to the coach was polite, professional, and explanatory. As accurate to my sons feelings as I could get, being an adult and trying to decipher an 8 year olds thoughts.
But that was the end of the conversation with the coach, other than a simple “Thank you” which he replied with. Thus, ending our conversation. But not only did I want to make sure I was all of those things in my message to the head coach, I also sent a very professional, educated, and (what I thought was) a well written message because I want them to realize, that no matter what rumor they decide to spread about me in this town over this, I am an intelligent and very straightforward woman. It’s a subliminal threat, one that states no matter what you do say about me, you cannot tear me down and should you try, I won’t have to raise a finger to either prove you wrong, make you look stupid for your accusations/assumptions, or to ruin the way people view them as they may have or may try to do me, either intentionally malicious or with good intentions. I’m very good with persuasion and word manipulation. So yes, it was a silent threat, to basically say fuck with me and throw dirt on my name.. or even worse my children’s names.. I can end you with words and not even have to touch you.
But not just that, it was also a subliminal message to anyone who might hear about this, that I am a respectable woman with her children’s best interests in mind. Whether they need guidance or not. With or without anyone else’s approval. And just as a respectable woman demands respect, so will my children. And maybe my little message about how I do respect my free thinking children will get out there and people might end up having more respect for me, not as a woman, but more as a mother/strong, role model and parental figure. Lead by example right? I am raising the future. And what kind of future my children have, solely depends on what kind of people they become. And what kind of people my children (and anyone’s children) become, solely depends on how they were raised. Even if no one else believes in my way of parenting, my children will not be slaves to the society and it’s conforming expectations. My children will not “follow the pack”. My children will lead. Because I am raising leaders.. people with good morals and values, for future generations to come, to look up to and aspire to be. I want my children to look at themselves one day and be proud of the people they have become, not for typical selfish reasons, but for it only begins with one individual to make a difference. And I’m going to add three such type of individuals to the future. It begins with one, yes, but there is power in numbers.. so why not add a couple more to start leveling out the playing field for the future. I’m ready for some honest, selfless, trustworthy, free thinking, compassionate, unentitled, empathetic leaders. And I’m going to do my best to make sure that, at least my children, will have the freedom to be all of these things and more.
One more final note with regards to the messages with the head coach. I mainly reflected on the way my son expressed himself to me and what I said to the coach. I do not want there to be any confusion because I didn’t acknowledge the coach’s message. So this is what I will say about his reply. First of all, it took him literally 30 minutes to respond to me. He may have been busy, or figuring out how to word his reply to me, or he may have started to reply with something else and changed his mind and really was thinking his reply through. Who knows. I want to say, the coach was very professional, as you can see, with his response. He did seem a little disappointed, but voiced his understanding. Second, I really appreciate the fact that he could have begged him to stay and finish the last tiny bit of the season, but refrained from doing so or even slightly or vaguely mentioned anything of the sort. Instead, the coach respected my sons wishes to withdraw himself from the team even with it being so close to the end of the season and he even complimented him. Did he do that for my son, in hopes I’d tell him he said complimentary things about him or did he do that to make me feel better about supporting him? Again, I don’t know. Either way, he would have never known if I would tell Noah these things nor did he know if it would make me feel good to hear that my son is a very good athlete and is receiving praise for his athletic abilities. I will tell my son, as this was his request that I let his coach know that he made this choice and why. I feel it is only fair and important that he gets to hear what his coach’s response was, regardless of whether it was positive or negative, so that he can also begin to learn that even when he makes his own choices and decisions, there will always be consequences to them whether they are positive or negative. In this case it was positive. Third, my son is probably going to focus on the compliments of being a great athlete more than anything. He is a child and as with most children, he strives for recognition, praise, and appreciation. Those things are empowering to children and help build their self esteem and confidence. But I will make it a point to make sure he knows he got an even more meaningful compliment that he should never take lightly and always strive for. I’m going to point out to him, that this compliment the coach gave him, was not the fact that he’s a “fantastic athlete”, but the fact that my son is in fact an even better person. Then I’m going to explain to him that this explains a lot about his character and to keep trying to be a better person than yesterday, but not because you want people to think you are, but because you want to be a better person. If not for anyone else, but yourself. I think it was wonderful for the coach to compliment his character. And finally, it makes me feel good to know that the coach states that he understands his decision because it shows that, even though he wasn’t expecting his withdrawal and may not have wanted him to leave the team, he supported his decision. He did not question Noah’s choice any further. Another point I will be making to my son tonight as I read him the coach’s response. Not everyone will agree with you, not everyone is going to be favorable to your choices, but as long as you know that what you are doing is the right thing (no matter what it may be) and you believe in yourself and in the best interest of not just you, but the majority of those around you, there will always be someone there to support you. Support can be found in some of the most unexpected places and from the most unexpected people. You just have to open your eyes and ears and then reach out. Someone will be there.
Now, finally, that is all. And just a reminder, these are solely my opinions, beliefs, and thoughts that stemmed from a single decision that I allowed my 8 year son to make on his own accord. The choice that my eldest son has made, led to every one of these thoughts and you are not asked to agree nor disagree. Maybe just listen. To something or someone else other than what we are told to for a change. Maybe just listen. To something that may challenge your way of thinking or may add new perspectives to you. After all, we should all think for ourselves, never anyone else. We are the only ones in control of our minds, bodies, thoughts, emotions, etc. correct? So start thinking. For you. And allow others to think for themselves. Speak on it or keep it to yourself, but never be afraid of using your own mind to draw your own conclusions and opinions. No one can be you, better than you. And it’s up to you, to become the best that you can possibly be.
#signingout
#untilnexttime
#alwaysstayhumbleandkind
#theinnerworkingsofarandommind
The Inner Workings of a Random Mind 