I don’t understand anymore. I don’t know why I cannot be happy. I don’t know what I’ve done in my pathetic, miserable life to earn so much pain and so much loneliness. I’m so lonely. Surrounded by people everyday, but alone. I’m tired. I’m tired of giving and trying. To receive nothing in return. I put so much effort in and it never pays off. I’m lost. Confused. I don’t know which way to go. You’re here, but you’re not. You’re a shell of a man I love. Hollow. Cold. Distant. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m breaking. One small crack at a time. All I wanted was you. But you push. So I pull. I pull away. To save my heart from any further damage. In the process I hurt. I’m hurting myself. Because when you finally come around on occasion, I don’t know how to react. I don’t know when the next time you will push me away may be. I cry. God I cry so much. Who am I? What have I become? What have we become? A slave to the economy. Too busy trying to make a better life that we cannot even find the time to live. To spend time together. To appreciate the things we do have. To appreciate each other. It’s unfair. No one was meant to live their lives like this. I can feel myself slipping. Slipping back into the way I used to be. Building. Building that wall up again. Brick by brick. Afraid. Afraid to be hurt. Afraid of how I feel. Afraid to be let down. I jumped. I jumped head first for you. Into you. And now I floating. Free floating. Did I lose your grip on my hand or yours on mine? I can’t feel you here anymore. I’m losing sight. Slowly yet quickly all at the same time. I can barely see you anymore. Where are you? I’m right here. Where I have always been. But where have you gone? Can you see me? I’m sinking now. Sinking exponentially fast. Into depression? Into reality? Who knows. The stones keep piling on. Making me heavier. Until I finally reach the bottom. But is there a bottom? Or is it just a continuous black hole? How far will I sink? How far does this go? My heart. It literally hurts. The anxiety. The pain. The emotions. I don’t know what to feel or how to express them. So many at one time. My mind. It races. What could have, should have, would have been? What if? What now? Why? Where do I go from here. Decisions. Forks in roads I never saw coming. Give up? Try harder? What do you do when your world is crumbling in on top of you? The weight. The weight of it all is too much to bare. Fight. I’m so sick and tired of fighting. How do we know that what we are fighting for will work in our favor in the end? Love. It swells inside of me. More than I know how to project to the outside. Probably why it hurts so much. I’m not doing enough. Not to show my true feelings. I don’t know how. I’ve never felt this way before. Routine. Rolling through the motions. Day in. Day out. How do you break the cycle? Is the cycle even able to be broken? Smile. Smile so no one can see the pain. Can’t let anyone down. Can’t let the world know that your falling apart. But what happens when I finally crash? My dreams. The only place where peace resides. And lately there is no peace to be found there. Only torment. Insecurities brought to fruition. During my sleep. The only time you shouldn’t feel pain. Yet my consciousness is invading my peace. My subconscious is pointing these things out to me. My insecurities. Brought to life not only in waking but in sleep as well now. Why do I hate myself so much? Why do I have so much self loathing built up inside of me? Why cannot I not learn to love myself? Am I this damaged? That I cannot find one positive thing about me to love? Not even to remotely like? My hopes. They get slimmer day after day. Am I doing this to myself? Why do I build them up so high knowing I will be let down? Again and again. It’s a vicious cycle. Will it ever end? Fear. Why do I fear what I cannot control? I no longer only fear the bad. I fear the good. Why? What makes me so fearful? Trying to pinpoint any little thing that may have made me this way. Stress. It eats at me. To the point I cannot breathe. Not enough. Not enough time. Not enough money. Not enough of anything. I cannot do this on my own. Not for much longer. It’s too much for one person. Help. I’m certain I need it. I’m sure it exists. If only I knew how to ask and what to ask for. But my pride. These are my burdens to carry. I did this to myself. I continue to do this to myself. Why? Make it stop. I cannot tolerate anymore. Pause. Breathe. Take a break. All things I want to do. But I don’t even know how. Where do I begin? One step at a time. That’s what I do. But one step forward always means two steps backward. I just need a little advantage. Something to work in my favor for a change. But people like me weren’t designed to succeed. Yet designed to struggle. And even fail. I will never understand the cruelty of this life. I will never understand why I deserve these circumstances in which I am being forced to live with. Just make it stop. My brain. It hurts. My heart. It aches. It’s too much. I hide it. As much as I can. Don’t want to bring anyone else down with me. They don’t deserve it. But it’s silent suffering. No one understands. I don’t even understand half of the time. I wish I did. I wish for a lot of things. Maybe one day I’ll get what I want. Maybe one day things won’t be so difficult. Until then. I wait. That’s all I can do. Isn’t it? Wait.
#signingout
#untilnexttime
#wedidcommunicateaboutthis
#ahealthyrelationshipalwayscommunicates
#theinnerworkeringsofarandommind
The Inner Workings of a Random Mind 